Spectral COMEDY | Season 1, Episode 18.
Today, I Fucked Up (Ep. 10) "TIFU by deciding to leave a skull spider (daddy long legs) in my bathroom as a pet" by samizzy7
I'd like to thank samizzy7 for letting me use this story.
TIFU by deciding to leave a skull spider (daddy long legs) in my bathroom as a pet
As with most TIFUs, this did not happen today, but over the course of some months in late 2011.
The first part of this TIFU is not the actual TIFU but the background that makes the TIFU all the better. I’ll add a TL;DR so you can skip it if you so desire.
Part 1: Background
To set the scene, back in August 2011, I was moving back to my dorm room at my university. The dorm area I lived in was up on a hill and surrounded by woods, so there were all kinds of common wildlife and insects outside. I lived on the ground floor and would commonly find some random bugs and insects creeping into my dorm room via the exit being left open or just easy access for bugs to get in the building via a hole or floor cracks or something. Nothing anywhere near an infestation level, but just random bugs on the windowsill or getting in through a small hole in the window screen or something. It was summer and very hot and we had no air conditioning so the window was left open frequently.
While setting up my shower and bathroom supplies in my bathroom (located inside my single-person dorm room), I noticed slowly crawl out from under the sink (my sink was like a floating sink attached to the wall with the drain pipe fixture under it going into the wall as well and nothing else below besides the floor) towards the wall, as if it were walking on air. It was a fairly small bodied spider with extremely long legs.
I was a little creeped out but extremely intrigued and interested by this spider as I watched it sit on its web that it made to connect the wall on the left side of the sink to under the sink, where it presumably lived. If you didn’t know (because I sure didn’t) this spider species is Pholcus phalangioides or long-bodied cellar spiders, commonly called daddy long-legs. Urban legend says that these spiders were the most venomous spiders in the world but harmless to humans as its fangs could not penetrate human skin. SO COOL. (I thought it was amazing at the time but recently learned that these urban legends are myth as both, its venom is not dangerous and it can penetrate your skin and bite you if it wanted to – but they generally don’t give a shit about humans so you’re good.)
By now I’m sure you can tell I’m not an arachnophobe by any means and thought
well… he’s pretty big and I definitely don’t wanna fuck with him... plus he likes dark moist cellar-y places like under my sink so he’ll probably just stay there in this home he made for himself. Plus, he will probably eat the fuckers who actually wanna hurt me like mosquitos and other bastard insects… so he’s protecting me anyway… I guess I’ll just keep him here and leave him be.
I decided he’d be my pet spider and in that moment – I named him Boris (after Boris the Spider by the Who). I immediately walked 15-20 steps outside my dorm to the back exit and opened the door and looked on the ground for a couple mins and proceeded to grab a small insect that looked like a cricket and brought it back into my dorm and dropped it into Boris’ web as a peace offering. Boris has went back under the sink at that point but immediately after the cricket got caught in his web, he popped his head out and leapt forward on the web, one bounce closer to his food (and victim), leaping forward with a one-two second pause between leaps and started to wrap the cricket in web and eating him. I recorded this on my iPad because it was pretty fucking cool. Thus, a friendship was born.
Boris and I had a mutual relationship like this where if an insect would enter the dorm and bothered me (mainly flies, moths, mosquitos) I would smack it out of the air and drop it into his web. Otherwise I trusted he could fend for himself.
Part 2: TIFU
A couple months passed and everything was going fine in terms of this spider named Boris who lived under my bathroom sink. One day I noticed another daddy long legs and immediately did not recognize it as Boris, because the body of this one was WAY bigger relative to Boris’ small body. Immediately I figured this new daddy long legs spider was female, as female species of arachnids and insects tend to be larger than their male counterparts.
My first reaction was AWWW THAT’S SO CUTE BORIS HAS A GIRLFRIEND I’M GONNA NAME HER BORA and stupidly decided to just verbally give Boris the bro fist bump that he’s got a gf spider and he’s getting some action because hey, at least one of us was. I didn’t think much of it and went about my business – shit, shave, shower, etc.
One day (maybe a week or two after seeing Bora) I sat on the toilet and was on my phone, the usual. All of a sudden I felt a tickle on my foot. Didn’t think anything of it and brushed my foot with my other. It happened again, but now on my leg. Again didn’t think anything of it, maybe it was just a small breeze or something and just mindlessly scratched my leg.
Then again, a tickle on my foot.
I looked down. If I could describe the scene to you – it was basically the scene straight out of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when Harry and Ron were leaving the forest and all of the spawn of Aragog started crawling out of everywhere and chasing Harry and Ron… - it may have been an exaggeration but there were like at least 20 little tiny Borises running around my feet and I freaked the fuck out.
I was helpless. Mid poop. Undies at my ankles. With 20 fucking aggravated baby spiders running around my feet and my bathroom floor. I grabbed the can of air freshener next my feet and started spraying everywhere, all over the floor, anywhere where I saw a baby spider. Literally one step away from lighting my bathroom on fire.
They were EVERYWHERE. Every corner of my small bathroom floor. Running around. Tumbling about. Trying to crawl up walls and falling. I’m not scared of spiders but I definitely couldn’t tell if my skin was crawling with fear, or if something(s) was crawling on my skin.
I managed to calm myself down enough to finish my dump, clean up and start killing these baby skull spiders. With wet paper towels and air freshener at my disposal, I started spraying and kill and wiping the floor. After about an hour I was pretty sure I got most of them if not all. And then I tore down Boris’s web and waited for that fat bitch Bora to come out and killed her too.
NO MORE GIRLFRIEND. NO MORE SEXY TIME FOR YOU BORIS.
Literally killed all the spiders except Boris because
I couldn’t find him and...
I had a small emotional attachment to this dumb spider.
Anyway. So after all this hard work I had decided to take a shower since I’ve been crawling around my bathroom, killing, scrubbing, wiping, cleaning. The shower was pretty refreshing. I was trying to relax and forget about what had just happened. I started washing my hair and I looked down and saw a wet tangled clump of seemingly hair. I reached down to pick it off the shower floor and only managed to get two strings of hair from the clump. So I reached back down and the hair moved away from me, so I grabbed it again and pulled off all but one individual strands and to my horror realized that I had just ripped off 7 of Boris’ legs.
I JUST ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY PET SPIDER AS WATER FLOW SENT HIM DOWN THE DRAIN.
I was very sad for the rest of my shower. Never again will I keep a pet spider.
DYMABASE's Spectral COMEDY is a series of videos full of narrations of funny stories found on Reddit
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